A few days back I visited a local tribal church in Nagaland –which was packed to full house to listen to a popular speaker of international repute. He started off his Sunday morning message warning the church about the dangers of Cross cultural marriages. How it just can’t work in the North eastern context. To underline his point he gave examples of certain northeasterners he personally knew who had married westerners and how all had ended up in divorce – just as he had confidently predicted. What made his case airtight was the exceptional case of Ravi Zechariah whose extraordinary waiting upon the Lord for two years justified his cross -cultural marriage only because there was Lord’s purpose in it; in contrast to him the rest of his cousins who intermarried and failed. Interestingly Mr.Ravi Zechariah himself never came to this conclusion. Nor did he go around warning people against cross cultural marriage – not even in his book on marriage “I, Isaac take thee Rebecca.” It is no surprise that we may love and immediately agree with such sharing as it does not challenge us but simply solidifies the position that we have already taken, strengthens the biases we carry and deepen those divides that separate us.
How much ever reservations we may have against cross-cultural marriages the truth is Cross-cultural marriages are here to stay whether we like it or not. With fast changing times the world is turning into global village. People are moving across the borders freely. Job opportunities and better education pursuits are taking our young far away from the safe havens of our culture. Into big cities and places abroad where there is bound to be a mixing of cultures. They will live and eat among a people from varied backgrounds. They adopt strange habits, eat exotic food, make friendships and fall in love in-spite of all our warnings and worried praying. Some will choose to remain conservative and come back home to marry but some who are bold and adventurous will choose someone from the outside.
It is surprising that even though some of our young are grounded enough to choose a life partner who is a Christian/believer their choice to marry such a person is met with resistance. Not only marriage-proposals from outside the state are resisted but even inter-tribe proposals from within the same state are resisted. The Tribal differences run so deep and strong. Not surprisingly though when even churches are singing the same tune.
It’s particularly appalling as there is no biblical ground to justify this resistance. The Bible nowhere discourages cross-cultural marriages in fact records several stories of cross-cultural marriages. The only thing it speaks against is a believer in Christ marrying an unbeliever. Abraham’s plea with his servant not to go to the Canaanites to find a bride for his son Isaac but take a bride for him from his own country and kindred was not against cross-cultural marriage. Abraham did not want his son to return to the land from where God had called him out. We see God get angry with Miriam and Aaron who spoke against the marriage of Moses with a cushite woman. He not only defends Moses but in fact strikes Miriam with white leprosy. Joseph’s wife was a non-Hebrew. Esther’s marriage to a King Ashaerus of Persia proved to be of strategic advantage in saving all the jews from total annihilation. Perhaps the most significant is the cross culture marriage of Ruth and Boaz whose grandson turned out to be King David. Their marriage is a beautiful symbol of Christ marrying the church – which by the way is a cross cultural marriage.
Some might argue that it is not faith reasons but our concern of cultural differences that causes us to resist cross cultural marriage. If it is so than that is a decision which the boy and the girl need to take for themselves. We can at best educate them or have a heart-full long chat with them helping them to see through the issues concerning their choice once again, but no way do we have the right to override their choice. That is an abuse of parental as well as community authority. It is ungodly in every sense. God never decides for us. He always respects our free-will to choose. Freedom is integral to His love.
But then how do you explain so many cross cultural marriages breaking apart?
Our seminary professor once said, “We often look at the west and cry ‘shame shame’ to see how many marriages are breaking there but in India if marriages are not breaking they are not working either.” The same boldness that causes people to marry across culture also drives them to call it ‘quits’ when unbearable personal differences develop. On the other hand the same conservatism that causes people to marry within their culture also forces them to continue in their marriage whatever its state; the fear of social disgrace and community pressure proves to be too strong to break free from. Yet with changing times a lot of same culture marriages are also breaking but little do we talk about it. Only the breaking of a cross cultural marriage is a ‘big-bang’ to our ears which are already itching to hear it – thanks to our deep rooted biases against other cultures. After all whatever shape our heart also shapes our perception.
Marriages do not break because of cultural differences. Marriages break because of individual differences, limitations or plain selfishness manifested in different ways. If we are willing to see than every marriage is a cross-cultural marriage. Each home has a culture of its home – the upbringing, the discipline and way of relating with each other in each home is different from the other. Every marriage calls for adjustments. People who do not like to adjust are unhappy and struggling even in the same culture marriage. But if someone is open, adjusting and willing to embrace new things than cross cultural marriage can be one of the most enriching experiences of life. Let us not forget that Cross cultural marriages bring about a wonderful coming together of two families and perhaps of two communities from totally different cultural backgrounds that otherwise would have never crossed each other’s ways.
I am from Mumbai, married to a Naga. We come from a seminary where many cross cultural marriages have taken place and flourished. We do have our fair share of struggles as do all other marriages but none arise because of culture. I enjoy eating ‘all’ Naga food especially pork, playing with my nephews is a total riot and watching my brother-in-laws kill, cut and cook pork is an incredible thrill. My mother-in-law and I, do not speak each other’s language yet loads of love is communicated each time – who needs a language? Where hearts are open to love and embrace no language; no culture; no barrier can get in the way.
Every marriage, be it cultural or cross-cultural is holy and precious in the eyes of God. We are living in times when the institution of marriage is under serious attack. Instead of sitting on the seat of judgment we must be a community of grace that extends love, acceptance and support towards all marriages without any discrimination. Amen.
Abhijeet (Pastor, NMBF Church, Navi Mumbai)
abhijeetinreach@gmail.com
How much ever reservations we may have against cross-cultural marriages the truth is Cross-cultural marriages are here to stay whether we like it or not. With fast changing times the world is turning into global village. People are moving across the borders freely. Job opportunities and better education pursuits are taking our young far away from the safe havens of our culture. Into big cities and places abroad where there is bound to be a mixing of cultures. They will live and eat among a people from varied backgrounds. They adopt strange habits, eat exotic food, make friendships and fall in love in-spite of all our warnings and worried praying. Some will choose to remain conservative and come back home to marry but some who are bold and adventurous will choose someone from the outside.
It is surprising that even though some of our young are grounded enough to choose a life partner who is a Christian/believer their choice to marry such a person is met with resistance. Not only marriage-proposals from outside the state are resisted but even inter-tribe proposals from within the same state are resisted. The Tribal differences run so deep and strong. Not surprisingly though when even churches are singing the same tune.
It’s particularly appalling as there is no biblical ground to justify this resistance. The Bible nowhere discourages cross-cultural marriages in fact records several stories of cross-cultural marriages. The only thing it speaks against is a believer in Christ marrying an unbeliever. Abraham’s plea with his servant not to go to the Canaanites to find a bride for his son Isaac but take a bride for him from his own country and kindred was not against cross-cultural marriage. Abraham did not want his son to return to the land from where God had called him out. We see God get angry with Miriam and Aaron who spoke against the marriage of Moses with a cushite woman. He not only defends Moses but in fact strikes Miriam with white leprosy. Joseph’s wife was a non-Hebrew. Esther’s marriage to a King Ashaerus of Persia proved to be of strategic advantage in saving all the jews from total annihilation. Perhaps the most significant is the cross culture marriage of Ruth and Boaz whose grandson turned out to be King David. Their marriage is a beautiful symbol of Christ marrying the church – which by the way is a cross cultural marriage.
Some might argue that it is not faith reasons but our concern of cultural differences that causes us to resist cross cultural marriage. If it is so than that is a decision which the boy and the girl need to take for themselves. We can at best educate them or have a heart-full long chat with them helping them to see through the issues concerning their choice once again, but no way do we have the right to override their choice. That is an abuse of parental as well as community authority. It is ungodly in every sense. God never decides for us. He always respects our free-will to choose. Freedom is integral to His love.
But then how do you explain so many cross cultural marriages breaking apart?
Our seminary professor once said, “We often look at the west and cry ‘shame shame’ to see how many marriages are breaking there but in India if marriages are not breaking they are not working either.” The same boldness that causes people to marry across culture also drives them to call it ‘quits’ when unbearable personal differences develop. On the other hand the same conservatism that causes people to marry within their culture also forces them to continue in their marriage whatever its state; the fear of social disgrace and community pressure proves to be too strong to break free from. Yet with changing times a lot of same culture marriages are also breaking but little do we talk about it. Only the breaking of a cross cultural marriage is a ‘big-bang’ to our ears which are already itching to hear it – thanks to our deep rooted biases against other cultures. After all whatever shape our heart also shapes our perception.
Marriages do not break because of cultural differences. Marriages break because of individual differences, limitations or plain selfishness manifested in different ways. If we are willing to see than every marriage is a cross-cultural marriage. Each home has a culture of its home – the upbringing, the discipline and way of relating with each other in each home is different from the other. Every marriage calls for adjustments. People who do not like to adjust are unhappy and struggling even in the same culture marriage. But if someone is open, adjusting and willing to embrace new things than cross cultural marriage can be one of the most enriching experiences of life. Let us not forget that Cross cultural marriages bring about a wonderful coming together of two families and perhaps of two communities from totally different cultural backgrounds that otherwise would have never crossed each other’s ways.
I am from Mumbai, married to a Naga. We come from a seminary where many cross cultural marriages have taken place and flourished. We do have our fair share of struggles as do all other marriages but none arise because of culture. I enjoy eating ‘all’ Naga food especially pork, playing with my nephews is a total riot and watching my brother-in-laws kill, cut and cook pork is an incredible thrill. My mother-in-law and I, do not speak each other’s language yet loads of love is communicated each time – who needs a language? Where hearts are open to love and embrace no language; no culture; no barrier can get in the way.
Every marriage, be it cultural or cross-cultural is holy and precious in the eyes of God. We are living in times when the institution of marriage is under serious attack. Instead of sitting on the seat of judgment we must be a community of grace that extends love, acceptance and support towards all marriages without any discrimination. Amen.
Abhijeet (Pastor, NMBF Church, Navi Mumbai)
abhijeetinreach@gmail.com
