Bise Peseyie & Asen Jamir Woch
I was six years old. He was a distant relative who babysat us after school. He would take us to this open meadow where we would spend our afternoons crawling about looking for four-leaf clovers and eating wild strawberries. One rainy afternoon, we all jumped onto his bed and sat around as he told us story after story. The others fell asleep and it was then that he reached out to unzip my jeans saying he wanted to see if my zip worked. I was old enough to realise something wrong had happened and yet I was too afraid to tell. What is strange is that somehow I had managed to push the memory of this incident to the back of my mind, where it laid, dormant and forgotten for a while. Then around the time I was in college, a friend confided in me about her own sexual abuse and suddenly the memories came back to me – slowly, the incident replayed itself in my mind. I remember being filled with shame and guilt as I relived the sequence of events that rainy afternoon 12 years ago. I remember crying about it and hating myself for being too cowardly, for my inability to speak out. I blamed myself for what happened and was unable to come to terms with forgiving the man who did this. It was only after I had a revelation of God’s love for me that I was able to forgive and allow the healing power of Jesus to change me. Over the years, God has been dealing with me to let go and I have found that His grace is more than sufficient for me.
The unspeakable and the unthinkable finally have a name. For too long, survivors of child sexual abuse have lived in a suffocating darkness of silence. There were no words with which to name their wounds; no ears to hear their cries. For untold years, sexually abused children lived in silence of excruciating pain, horror, and fright. There were no treatments or therapy, appropriate help and support for those abused children. Children did not understand their own behaviour as they were growing up. They could not make sense of how the trauma and abuse experienced in their childhood could impact every area of their growth into adulthood. People saw them as promiscuous and sinful or just abnormal. Until the day they dared to speak the unspeakable and break the silence. Yes, the unthinkable yet, this dark act must be brought to light.
WHAT IS CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE?
Sexual abuse involves sexual contact between a child, teenager and a parent, caregiver, significantly older, more powerful person. In addition to sexual contact, abuse can include other exploitive behaviours such as inappropriate verbal stimulation of a child, taking or showing sexually explicit photographs of or to a child or teenager, or exposing them to look at pornography or adult sexual activity.
IT IS NOT A SECRET ANYMORE
An uncle tells a child, “Its okay, this is for your own good,” a father threatens his daughter, “This is our little secret, don’t tell anyone,” a man persuades a little girl, “I will teach you a new game, but you will not tell anybody otherwise I will not give you anything you ask,” such are the words spoken into the less powerful, who is tricked, trapped, coerced, or bribed into sexual experience. These words continue to haunt a child throughout her growing years. Children have the right of innocence and purity, for which when their rights are violated their spirit is crushed and their life is damaged. We may not be aware of the prevalence of sexual abuse in our homes, schools, or churches because it is usually threatened to be kept as a ‘secret.’
Will talking about such a subject be frightening? Perhaps, not anymore. History is replete with child sexual abuse. Sexual abuse of children has been the best-kept secret in the world, because people found it too difficult to consider that such a problem existed. Many children who are silent for years are speaking out to surveys that reach them as adults. Some children are learning to tell about experiences soon after they occur. Many parents believe their children will never be sexually abused because they rarely hear about such incidents. And yet, there are many parents who deny such a horrific act when their child has been abused by someone known to them. It is true that most children will never be sexually abused, even though the amount of abuse is so widespread that it is often described as astounding.
IS THERE AN ABUSER IN THE HOUSE?
In the vast majority of cases, sexual abusers are known to their victims, and more than half are family members. Offenders come from all economic, tribal, cultural, and religious traditions. They may be the least expected. Little to be surprised, they may be respected members of the community or church. There may be paedophiles that you are not aware of who can be in your home, office, school or church. They may be your drivers (most families usually have a driver to drive them around), kanchas, or your next door neighbour who is playful and good to your children.
We think they ‘do it only once’; sexual abusers are multiple abusers, the same child often, other children at the same time or subsequently. This is being proved again and again with cases all over the world as also in Nagaland.
SHOULD A CHILD KNOW ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE?
Just as it is important for children to receive information to protect themselves against fires, crossing the streets, and falling from trees, it is important for them to have information that protects them against sexual abuse. When victims are afraid to tell anyone or when they don’t know what to do they are more likely to be manipulated or forced into some type of sexual abuse. It is even more frightening for children to have inaccurate information rather than viewing the discussion of sexual abuse as scaring them. When children are exposed to discussion about touch they have fewer taboos about good kinds of touching and feel more comfortable about refusing the wrong kind of touch.
THEY TELL NO ONE BECAUSE OF FEAR
Have you ever wondered why victims don’t tell if they have been sexually abused? The primary reason is the general reluctance to share their secret with others. Loyalty and love for the abuser (like father, uncle, or cousin) makes it really impossible for them to speak up against people who are supposed to be their protectors, comforters, and closest friends. Moreover, they don’t tell due to fear of denial, rejection, condemnation, or disbelief by the listener. And when the victim is often told that the sexual activity is acceptable but must be kept secret, the victim is frightened because of the abuser’s authority. Or they tell no one simply because no one asks.
IS THE CHILD TO BLAME?
Self-blame is a common characteristic for children who have been sexually traumatized. Young children simply tend to believe that the sun rises and sets because of them. So when trauma occurs, they instinctively think that they are the cause. Therefore, it is crucial children believe that the traumatic event is not their fault. We must know that there is never an excuse for child sexual abuse.
BEHAVIOURAL INDICATORS
(sourced from An Educational Project on Violence at Home and Against Children, 2003)
A child may not verbalize the sexual act but you can tell something is wrong if you take notice of this partial list of symptoms that are present in early childhood, adolescence and adulthood. These symptoms may not necessarily show up as a cluster.
Early Childhood:
• Extreme changes in behaviour such as sudden loss or increase in appetite
• A sudden refusal to do something previously enjoyed or be with someone previously liked
• Recurrent nightmares or disturbed sleep patterns and fear of the dark
• Regression to more infantile behaviour such as bed-wetting, soiling underwear, thumb-sucking, or excessive crying
• Withdrawal or isolation
• Fear of bathrooms, fear of being photographed
• Lack of trust
• Abnormal knowledge about sex or sex acts
• Unusual sexual themes expressed through the child’s school work, art, poems, stories
Adolescence:
• Same as above plus pregnancy
• Self-destructive behaviour; i.e., alcohol, drug abuse, eating disorders (bulimia, anorexia)
• Suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts, role reversal (child had taken on parent’s role as caregiver in the home), “acting out” (rebellion, violence, stealing, arson, etc.)
• Complaint of lower abdominal pain
• Inappropriate dress; use of clothing to reverse roles- child looks like sophisticated adult, mother like teenager
• Running away, failure in school, or promiscuous behaviour
Adulthood:
• Headaches, guilt/shame, depression, tiredness, memory blocks, isolation, panic attacks, anger, insomnia, anxiety, low self-esteem, fear, loneliness, sexual problems, compulsion, bulimia, anorexia, lack of self-control, repeated victimization, distance from God.
EDUCATION FOR PREVENTION
Every home needs education that can support healthy, just familial relationships, and prevent abusive ones. Children need to be prepared how to deal with the strong likelihood of attempted sexual abuse.
• Teaching them self-respect and self-confidence and giving them permission to say “no” to any adult who would harm them is both practical and family priority.
• Warn your child not to talk to strangers or go out with them even if they lure them with sweets or toys.
• If you know that your child has been sexually abused, do not scold them or put guilt into them.
By breaking silence and taking the initiative in the development of prevention education, we are announcing the good news that there is an alternative to the generational cycle of abuse in the families.
WHERE TO SEEK HELP
If your child has been sexually abused try to seek professional help from those who are specifically trained in treating trauma and abuse victims. These professionals are Social Workers, Health and Family Welfare, or Counsellors (who are specialized in dealing with child sexual abuse). Victims find healing as they seek therapeutic help and this can take years of therapy to recover.
Child sexual abuse is almost always related to deep and lasting pain which may affect every aspect of life: physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual. The effects of sexual abuse on children cannot be overlooked or dismissed.
For more details on the subject and related issues, or counselling, and training contact us at: Lighthouse Counselling Clinic & Training Facility (9856 359 765 & 9862 586 466), House no. 99, Near BSF Transit Camp, Nagarjan, Dimapur.
(This article was first published in Real Attitude magazine, June 2009 issue.)
