Imtijungla Longchar
Most married couples have conflicts and disagreements. Are not Christian couples supposed to live happily ever after? Actually, I’ve never met a couple who never argues. I’ve come across many couples who have conflicts for financial needs, sexual relations, career decisions, in-laws, prayer, church, household works, children, where to live, what to eat and many more. Conflict is inevitable. Disagreements in marriage are normal. Husbands and wives who came from different backgrounds with different values cannot agree on everything.
When I asked some newly married couples, “do you argue sometimes?” Some of them say they never argue. Frankly speaking, I don’t believe it and if they never argue, may be they are not being honest, not being open, not listening to each other, not willing share and talk, doubting each other, not having time for each other or not planning to work for their marriage; because every human being with sense to changes and to develop relationships the more they will argue, just because husbands are men and wives are women.
Why Do We Argue?
We argue because we have different expectations. We were never trained to be good husbands and good wives. We all are sinners and have our own selfishness, ego, pride, irresponsibility, irritations and impatience. We have different personalities of strengths and weaknesses. We have relatives, in-laws, friends and neighbors who sometimes may cause us to argue. The only way for us is to learn to argue with understanding.
There are two types of conflicts. One is positive conflict and the other is negative conflict? Are not all the conflicts negative? In positive conflicts couples fight the problem, but in negative conflict fight each other. Some aspects of negative conflict include giving silent treatment and refusing to talk, bringing up past failure and mistakes again and again, pointing out painful secrets, a revengeful attitude etc. Let me bring an example: David always comes back home late. On Sunday he attends church meetings and friend’s gatherings. He is very busy earning for his family, but his wife Mary needs to see him too. Seeing his office schedule, his tired look when he gets home, she does not like to approach him with her needs. After waiting for so many years, she began to react. She stopped taking care of him, telephones calls were not responded, and she is having headaches in bed constantly! Now the couple stands in a battlefield. Many marriages seem to look outwardly beautiful but inwardly there are many kinds of conflicts present.
One day I happened to meet a lady, she narrated her story of marital conflict. For fifteen years of marriage, her husband humiliated her and treated her like dirt. She did not experience lovemaking because her husband always raped her. She was totally dominated by her husband and in-laws. She cried, ‘I feel I am not a person anymore. I am more like an animal. But even animals care for each other!’ We were silent for a few minutes; I let her cry out her sorrow, after which I asked her just one question, ‘why did you allow your husband to treat you like that?’ In this story I am not supporting the husband but it was her behavior that needed to change. She was not taking responsibility for what she was allowing him to do to her. I asked the question because I wanted to bring to her awareness of her own power of choice. For every conflict in a marriage, both are responsible and must try to solve the problem together. There’s no greater challenge in marriage than handling conflict, and we have to do that. The ability to resolve disagreement is essential to a good marriage. When you and your spouse find yourselves unable to compromise, calm down first, don’t yell at your spouse, listen for the reason, explain your view and propose a solution.
How Can We Deal With Our Conflicts?
Shall we allow the conflicts to make our marriage a battlefield? Many couples make their home a battlefield where they assault each other, ready with loads of ammunition gathered over the months and years. Some couples never work together to learn about each other and reach a positive solution. I find some couples even though their house is full of grown up children and grand children, always nagging, nitpicking and charging each other. I wonder when they will learn! But here my readers, at least let us learn to deal with our conflicts. David and Vera Mace called martial conflict-friend in disguise. Listen to them, “What is fundamentally wrong in this situation is the failure to recognize that marital conflict, far from being a deadly enemy, is in fact a friend in disguise.”
In a marriage, two different individuals join together. Your differences are normal. You were born of different parents. You have lived individually for twenty to thirty years before we met each other. Both of you have developed your own individual preferences, habits, likes and dislikes. It is impossible if you always want to do the same thing, eat the same food and live the same way, and these are the reasons why we have arguments in marriage.
How Do We Solve The Problems?
Even in solving the problems we have different views and approaches. The best way to solve the problem will emerge when both views are heard and appreciated and when we are willing to change. When we attempt to solve our conflicts it is not important to agree with everything we say or what our spouse says. Instead the best way is to express our feelings and share our views.
We often assume that we can change our spouses after marriage. If a husband is an alcoholic the greatest mistake we commit is, we blame the wife or if the wife runs away we give the blame to the husband, (asking) ‘why didn’t she change him or why didn’t he correct her?’ Basically, people change very little. You cannot make another person change. You can encourage and try to motivate your spouse. Your negative criticism and nagging will never help your spouse to change. The conflict arises because we don’t want to accept each other’s differences. So the best way to solve the conflict is to accept your spouse as he/she is.
We can solve the conflict only when we allow ourselves to be natural. When we accept each other we will discover the quality in our spouse. Many a times the things we can’t accept in our spouses are the very things we need to change in ourselves. We often expect our spouses to be just like you and me. How can conflict be avoided when a husband and wife from two different families come and live together? But husbands and wives should be willing to deal constructively’ “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”. Couples who have lived happily together for a long time often work out their conflicts constructively.
Too many conflicts start and end with harsh words and threatening statements. But the best method is speaking gently and answering softly. Proverbs 15:1 offers, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up again.” Christian husbands and wives should never forget to submit our problems, disagreements and conflicts to Jesus Christ who understands all of us individually. When husbands and wives carry the burden to the Lord together, they will find the answer.
The personal story of J.D. Hott is very touching; he says, “One of the first lessons I learnt in our marriage was the necessity of saying ‘I’m sorry’. My wife Christy is much better at it than me. In fact, it seems that whenever we had a disagreement, she would be the first to apologize. After one hour of discussions’ Christy decided that it was my turn to say ‘I’m sorry’…..But I was feeling stubborn that evening and thought maybe I could outwait her. I was wrong…..I knew I should do my part….. Wasn’t I to love Christy as Christ loved his Church?
Finally, I dropped to my knees so I could crawl across the living room and beg Christy’s forgiveness. It was a well-calculated move, and it brought the desired result: laughter. For all her determination, she couldn’t stay mad when she saw her penitent husband crawling on the floor. When I finally reached her, we collapsed in each other’s arms, almost simultaneously saying ‘I’m sorry’. The ice had been broken, and we could return to the joys of our relationship.”
(The writer is a homemaker, teacher, writer and a well-known speaker)
