“Congratulations, sir!” said the secretary, entering the sports official’s room.
“Another gold?”
“No, sir. Another baby. We are maintaining our population lead!”
The official leaned back on his enormous couch. “Excellent! Put out a statement saying India continues to dominate.”
“In population, sir?”
“Must you spoil every announcement with details?”
I looked at the Asian Games medal table and wondered whether we had sent our population certificate instead of our athletes. We had overtaken China in people. Unfortunately, nobody had informed the medals that they were supposed to follow.
At an earlier count, China had 154 gold medals. India had ten.
“But we have 1.4 billion people!” I protested.
“Yes,” said my neighbour. “Perhaps we should ask for medals by attendance.”
There must be something comforting about a billion people cheering while a comparatively small number struggle to reach the podium. We supply the spectators, the television audience, the patriotic advertisements and the officials who go to the games. Surely somebody could invent a medal for forwarding them.
Meanwhile, inside my imaginary sports office, a young athlete stands before an official.
“What is your qualification?”
“I am the fastest in my district.”
“Who recommended you?”
“The stopwatch.”
The official frowned. “Does this stopwatch know anybody in Delhi?”
“No, sir.”
“Then ask it to make some contacts.”
Behind her stood another applicant.
“And your qualification?”
“My uncle knows your brother.”
“Excellent! So you know couch surfing. From your uncle’s couch to my brother’s, and straight into the team!”
I once thought the casting couch belonged exclusively to films. Apparently, it has developed ambitions.
How well I remember our women wrestlers protesting over allegations of sexual harassment. Women who had trained to pin opponents to the mat were compelled to take their complaints onto the streets.
What a peculiar training programme. First build your strength. Then build your courage. Then discover you need both to question the people entrusted with your career.
“Why aren’t you concentrating on your sport?” someone asks.
Perhaps because safety should have been provided before the whistle blew.
Every disappointing result cannot be explained by one scandal. But a system that rewards connections, demands favours or discourages complaints is hardly manufacturing champions.
It is manufacturing silence.
Our athletes deserve applause for every medal they win. Unfortunately, some must clear hurdles long before reaching the track.
But our comfortable sports officials deserve a different competition.
Couch lifting.
Let them carry those seats out of their offices and make room for merit.
“Sir,” whispers the secretary, “shall we invest in better coaching?”
“Certainly!”
“And remove the couch?”
The official clutches a cushion. “Don’t become anti national!”
We have shown the world we can produce people. Now let us build a system that allows those people to produce medals...!
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