Dear tourists, hark Nagaland Christmas

If you are, say, a Yankee (reading online), you ought to know better than not to visit Nagaland during Christmas. In case you hustle a plan to visit the next time around, make do with these GK:

•    Every year, the Dimapur and Kohima administrations issue orders banning crackers “and violators shall be strictly penalized.” To this day, no Naga has ever burst crackers – only bombs and explosives.
•    Christmas carols normally comprise of a single song where “I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas”, “just like the once I used to know” and “Feliz Navidad” fight for space in a single chorus. Sometimes if you are lucky, you do get “La-auraa, Paisa dib-hi na” in the same chorus too. 
•    As I remind, we Nagas are truly advanced creatures. Our Christmas Day is on Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day is actually on New Years’ Eve.
•    We Nagas are poor in mathematics. In Nagaland, December 25 is December 24 and Christmas Day, December 25, actually starts from November 1. 
•    You may find it interesting that in Nagaland New Year’s Day, January 1, is actually in the old year. Guess when. 
•    80% of Nagas are agriculturists. And none of them like vegetables. Just ask West Bengal Piggery Suppliers Ltd.
•    May I remind that Nagaland is a dry state? Alcohol is banned. Only beer, IMFL, rum and whisky are permitted.
•    Even security personnel make it a point to officially only stink of stale rice beer or whisky, not alcohol.
•    Do visit Kohima, the taxis there won’t charge you for hiring the vehicle or traveling. You’ll be charged only for the hike in fuel prices.
•    When you travel in local district taxis, you are in for the most comfortable ride in your life; no violent bumping, jerking or quaking – you’ll be stuffed so tightly among 20 other passengers in a Maruti Van you won’t feel even a hard bump.
•    Never travel in our ancient NST buses if you have arthritis. Or have weak bones. Or constipation. 
•    If you need a band-aid, or say an emergency condom while in the restaurant’s bathroom, check your chicken roll.
•    In Nagaland, Asian continental food is normally called “chow aru momo ase na nai.”
•    Don’t be surprised if you run into a Fair & Lovely-immune auto rickshaw driver who chews on impeccable Sumi in astonishing Angami accent and tells you his parents are pure Ao-Lotha ‘mix’ living in Mokokchung near Sibsagar in Assam opposite West Bengal before reaching Dhaka in western Bangladesh. 
•    In Dimapur and Kohima, Adidas and Reebok from the Moreh-Myanmar borders are pricier than the genuine stuff.
•    In Nagaland, vehicles don’t cause traffic jams. It’s those pesky empty little spaces on the roads that cause them. 
•    We are truly civilized people unlike you debauched westerners. We don’t say ‘F***’. We say “La-auraa! Maribi!” 
•    We also have a rich contextual understanding of language. For instance, in Nagaland, ‘Queue’ is normally horizontally circular. And ‘please’ may be translated into ‘La-auuraa moi first ase dey.’
•    Nagas are very, very hygienic and so keep our houses very clean. It’s usually our readily available public roads that take care of our garbage.
•    Nagas are the world’s most prudent resource users – we drive high-speed to reach office just in time before the petrol runs out.
•    In Nagaland, the helmet is normally worn by the motorbike and the elbow.