
P Angbhenla Phom
Women Secretary, PBCA, Longleng
As the youngest daughter in a Christian family, I grew up inbetween two adults who almost forgot that they are married to each other and that they have biological children born out of their union. Loud fights, infidelity, bruises, unmade hair and poverty andbrokenness in every corner of their room and ours. Relatives and neighbors were kept restless and sad often. Back then I felt just too little to rebuke my dad and to solve my mom’s never-ending struggles.To me, marriagebecame a grim institution which I must never get into at any price.But on the verge of my quiet ultimatum to myself,across our fence I saw different look of marriage. One which was filled with laughter, sweet pet names, walk together, stories of their love dispelling everywhere. Somehow, I became lured into their own created beautiful world, and suddenly in the middle of my celebration the coupleannounces their separation. Once again, I was left downcast.At one point of time, Iwas of the persuasion that the institution of marriage stumbles again and again for so many reasons and realities and that we are incapable of keeping our union. In the hand of good people, marriage has succumbed for some subtle but prolonged grievances. Successful marriage has always fascinated me and I would respect all those out there who has truly abled to make their union work.
My responsibilities and ministry commitment has taken me to places and kept me moving among the people. As I co-live with the many, the life that they have shown and made me known construct my thoughts, impacts my being and somehowinitiates my emotion. Equally my own marriage of ten yearsand our story offierce love and coldest hostility makes me to delve deeper towards contributing a little bit of me in couple relationship.‘Marriage’ and ‘Family’ is a concern which has kept me awake for nights and kept me restless for months. The longing to see family bloomingand marriages working has kept me on my knee interceding. Christian marriage must work out no matter how hard time has become and life has been because this is the prime institution based on which the world will become. If a Christian marriage is not working, nothing else should be anticipated to work out in benefit of humanity, ecology, government and systems that runs the world. Our offspring are thirsts and hungered not for wealth, red carpet and education but to see good and authentic Christian values which is capable of surviving any hit on humanity, love and family!
I once came across a respected, happy, prospering couple resting in good house, holdingappealing designation and good children. Their kind of family is the ideal one which can be used in any platform, book and pulpit to describe the near perfect home.Yes,everything about the family is beautiful but except that it’s been long that the couple had really talked. They have forgotten to be intimate and was more distanced than those lousy couple next door.They had unsolved reasons. I went back home shattered and praying. Their marriage must work out. In theirbrokenness I saw my failure as a Spiritual Mother. But thisstorydoes notstay in their marriage alone. Most or some of our Chistian couple is going through such challenges in our time. We are married to our parents,to our colleagues we deserve ‘PowerCouple Trophy’, to our friends we are a normal married couple.We post our happy-in-love photos in FB/Insta & X, we fulfill the church by going to the church together, we fulfill the service pension and nominee policy by clicking a close-pulled-in picture, we excite our children by eating in one table,we fool our neighbor by walking beside each other, we keep our customary law by being in the married status. But as we close the door behind to the Master bedroom we are Silently divorced. We are divorce in emotion, divorce in decision, divorce in prayer, divorce in spiritual relationship; and divorce in intimacy. Many marriages are defeated from within.
The silently divorced couple that I described are not strangers, nor non-existent and imaginary figures. But they are a good member of a good church. They are our front benchers, they are our tithe giver, they may be our Church Board members, they are our choir members, entered in our church registry as baptized member; they hold hymn book together on Sunday service and sings in holiness and greets everyone on way back home except that inside the most sacred room they no longer are one. In the privacy of their four walls, they don’t talk any longer. They are controlled by ego, by anger, by gadgets, by hatred, by long silence where none tries to win the other anymore. Why? What maybe some of the reasons and realities underestimating love union? What power tried to invade good marriage? Why everything at times seems to go wrong in a couple relationship? Why is it that husband and wife is not accountable to each other anymore? Why is it that the best is being outdone by the wrong? Why is that even the best church, the best sermon, the best wedding planner, trending wedding destinations and best wedding photography,best wedding gifts are not able to keep husband and wife together?
In the Song of Songs 2:15 we see twoloversdesperately calling for help as they watch their vineyardbeing destroyed: ‘Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom’. ‘Our vineyard’ would suggest their world, their kitchen, their bedroom, their life created out of love and in love. ‘Vineyard in bloom’ (towards fruiting) suggest youngness of relationship like young marriage or young family. This also would suggest a bond which has the prospect to prosper and grow better.Vision to have children, to see their children becoming standing people, to be happy and joyful within their wall, to be fulfilled of life through each other.‘Little foxes’ could mean small overlooked things in relationship which actually has the power to destroy something genuine, something worth preserving and sustaining. ‘Catching the foxes’ would suggest consciously and intentionally removing the problem together from a relationship. ‘For us’also bring us to the knowledge that both of them know now that something is wrong in their relationship and that unless something is done, they are losing each other and their beautifully build life.
As I look around everywhere with my anxiousheart seeking for Christian marriage and family, just like the little foxes in thelover’s vineyard, somehow small issues and small things has become aggressive and consuming. Often-small issues kept for weeks unsolved has become the next big problem,and what has started as little ignorable mistake has grounded bigger and has become annoying. My own marriage of ten years has seen its own brokenness, silence, pain and lots of prayers, face-on talk, and understanding towards creating stronger relationship. The ‘little things’ is not to be taken for granted. Small issues should not be made to lay for a night.The little things havekept us awake at night, because of the little things I have gone to bed without food, the little things have made me abusive towards my children, the little things have disturbed my sermon, the little things made me hold back my prayer for my husband, the little things stopped me from attending the prayer service, because of the little things I becameunkind to my neighbor. Every unsolved grievance and unspoken hurt have always ruined!
In a good Christian marriage,it’s not always about the screaming fights and flashing news but it’s about the little unspoken words, small irreconciled arguments, forgotten birthdays, missing anniversaries, ignored messages and absence of appreciation; some flingsand secret messages which has moved couple towards legal battles. Some families are silently struggling with issue of partner mismanagingfamily resources and financial income in exaggerated shopping, secret scam investment, drugs, and such other losing investments.Some relationship has become stressed out owing to uncontrolled closenessto modern addictive like gadgets and virtual interaction platformswithout creating any space for family building. Withdrawal from raising children and family responsibilities with excuses is also seen to upset the other tired partner. It is also unfortunate that for some couples, unending list of wedding debtsand inability to pay off has silence their otherwise deeply announced love. Alcohol still destroys love. No marriage is intended to dilute in divorce. It’s just that little issues and habits has become the giants between the two.Overdue attitude is making both too tired to try anymore and too frustrated to keep anymore.
Lasting marriages have never been easy. Both husband and wife has worked hard in so many areas to make their marriage worth keeping and worth living.Naga culture encourages good marriage. Christian culture encourages good marriage. And the best thing in the table is that we are Naga Christian. The values we have learned along our spiritual progress, what is being taught by our elders, parents and customary law; documented marriage laws in Church adoption are enough to build a strong Christian couple. As much as marriage is made in heaven and marriage is born out of love, it is equally built in prayer and hard work. Nothing is achieved or successful without doing what must be done. Marriage is not extraordinary. Every little thing counts. Every little time invested, help extended, remembered birthdays, small gestures, forgiven stories, accountability seen, faithfulness shown, kindness given and ‘our own time’ moment matters. Thedevotion to keep the marriage bed undefiled and alive through prayer, talks, some laughter moments, closeness, and love is such a good feeling to start with. Let every vineyard of two people in love only prosper.
(……& I am grateful to the many couples and family which is thriving in healthy relationship, in Christian values and love)