James Phanungkiu
Project Coordinator, Peace Channel, Nagaland
Family is the first and most important institution in every person’s life. It is within the family that an individual learns values, respect and social behaviour. However, conflict is an inherent aspect of human relationships and families are no exception. Conflict typically stems from the interplay of individual needs, values, expectations and roles within the family unit. Given the deep emotional connections, sometimes conflicts in families are often intense and personal. They may arise from misunderstandings, differences in opinions, unmet needs or struggles for power and control. Moreover, family conflicts are influenced by external factors such as financial stress, work pressures, cultural expectations and life transitions (e.g., marriage, childbirth, aging etc). The family system is interdependent, which means that a conflict affecting one member can ripple through the entire unit influencing relationships and dynamics.
For example, in a family, parents and grandparents continue to hold strongly to traditional beliefs and ways of life, while the younger generation is increasingly influenced by modern ideas, technology and global culture. This divergence in worldview can easily lead to disagreements and emotional distance.
To bridge this gap, it is crucial to engage in dialogue in a language that both generations understand not only spoken language but also emotional and cultural language.
John Galtung’s Conflict Triangle (A Framework for Family Conflict): To better understand the dynamics of family conflict, it is useful to consider John Galtung’s Conflict Triangle, which identifies three interrelated components of conflict: Attitudes, Behaviour and Contradictions.
1. Contradictions refer to the underlying incompatibilities or structural tensions fueling conflict. In families, this often appears as a clash of values. For example, between traditional beliefs held by elders and modern influences embraced by the younger generation.
2. Attitudes encompass the perceptions, emotions and misinterpretations each party holds towards the other. Emotional distance, mistrust or resentment can deepen family conflicts when members view each other’s perspectives with suspicion or disregard.
3. Behaviour includes the actions or reactions that emerge from these contradictions and attitudes, such as arguments, avoidance or silence that widen the gap between family members.
Recognizing these three components helps family members approach conflict more holistically. For example, disagreements over lifestyle choices (contradictions) may lead to feelings of frustration or being misunderstood (attitudes), which then manifest as raised voices or withdrawal (behaviour).
Bridging the gap through Dialogue and Empathy: To bridge this gap, it is crucial to engage in dialogue that addresses all three aspects: openly discussing root issues (contradictions), acknowledging and empathizing with each other’s feelings (attitudes) and consciously choosing constructive communication and conflict resolution methods (behaviour).
Elders, though sometimes less inclined to fully relate to the younger generation’s experiences, should strive to listen patiently to their struggles and aspirations. Likewise, younger family members should express their views with respect and humility. Effective communication is not only about speaking but also about active listening and responding with empathy. In many cases, family conflicts persist not because of fundamental disagreements but when individuals stop trying to understand one another’s perspectives. A critical societal issue is that we often listen with the intent to respond rather than to understand, which exacerbates conflicts within families. Dialogue and communication are key to resolving any conflict. By nurturing honest and respectful communication within the family, members learn to appreciate and accept each other’s feelings.
Nurturing Acceptance and Mutual Respect: Creating an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding begins with small consistent efforts. Parents should encourage open conversations rather than impose decisions unilaterally, while children should feel safe to express themselves without fear of judgment.
Balancing knowledge and wisdom is also essential. Knowledge comes from education and exposure, while wisdom is rooted in lived experience. The younger generation brings fresh ideas and creativity, while elders offer guidance grounded in cultural and moral values. When balanced effectively, this dynamic strengthens the family unit.
By applying Galtung’s framework, families can move beyond surface-level disputes to understand the deeper causes of their conflicts and work collaboratively towards healing and unity. This approach encourages patience, openness and mutual respect, which are essential ingredients for transforming family conflicts into pathways for peace, development and enhancing strong relationships.
The Nature of Conflict: Conflict begins the moment we wake up. The first battle often takes place in our minds whether to get out of bed or linger in sleep a little longer. We live with conflict and conflict lives with us. However, conflict itself is neutral; how we respond shapes its impact. Martin Luther
King Jr. rightly said, “Conflict is not all bad. It can be the catalyst for growth and understanding when handled constructively.”
Conflict is a fundamental law of nature and exists everywhere. Every conflict challenges us to think more deeply, understand more fully and grow stronger. No one escapes conflict; it is an intrinsic part of human life. What truly matters is our approach. When we face conflict with patience, self-reflection and openness, it becomes an opportunity for growth.
In today’s world, the outdated belief, “might is right” no longer holds relevance. As Mahatma Gandhi wisely said, “An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.” It is also a time for us to critical reflect on patriarchal systems where the father’s decision is often considered final, while many families today are evolving to embrace more inclusive decision-making practices. By honoring the perspectives of all family members; women, children and elders, conflict should not be viewed as a threat but rather as an avenue to build stronger, more compassionate families rooted in both tradition and mutual respect. It also challenges individuals and communities to reflect deeply, communicate empathetically and grow stronger together. Peace, therefore, is not a passive state but an active process of nurturing justice, freedom and courtesy. By embracing this understanding, family continues to move toward a future where conflict serves as a bridge to lasting peace rather than a barrier.
