Meyu Changkiri
Seventeen years ago, I was installed as a pastor in a new congregation - a place where I had never served before. In fact, it was my first pastoral ministry, and I had no prior experience in leading a church. I stepped into this calling with a mixture of excitement, humility, and uncertainty, knowing that ministry would be a journey of learning. However, I did not expect one of my first and most difficult lessons to come so soon.
Just a week into my role, as I was preparing my first Sunday sermon, I received the news - a retired, ailing member of the church had passed away. My heart sank. I vividly remember the wave of anxiety and sorrow that swept over me. How would I bring comfort to the grieving family? How could I offer words of hope when I myself felt so unsure? These questions filled my mind as I struggled with the weight of my new pastoral responsibility. At that moment, I felt utterly helpless. No one had prepared me for this day. I had studied theology, learned about pastoral care in theory, and even attended funerals before - but now, I was responsible for leading a grieving family through their sorrow. What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to say?
The Weight of Responsibility
When I heard the news, I was struck with fear and uncertainty. At that moment, the reality of pastoral ministry became deeply personal. Theological College had taught me how to preach, how to interpret literature, and how to lead discussions, but there had not been much emphasis on how to comfort a grieving family. I knew that offering care to a bereaved family was about more than just attending a funeral service; it required a deep sense of empathy, wisdom, and an understanding of how to manage human emotions during one of life’s most painful moments.
Overwhelmed and unsure, I turned to reflection and prayer, seeking strength and clarity. This allowed me to process my emotions and find peace in God's guidance. I asked for guidance and strength, but I also knew I needed practical advice. I reached out to a mentor, a leader serving in one of the largest communities in my region at the time. His words of encouragement reassured me: "You are not expected to have all the answers. Just be present, listen, and offer comfort in whatever way you can."
The Power of a Visit
With that encouragement, I gathered my courage and went to meet the bereaved family. Thankfully, I had visited, counseled, and spent time with the deceased just days before, while he was still on his sickbed. At the time, I had no idea how significant that visit would be. But now, standing before his grieving family, that memory became my anchor. It gave me something personal to hold onto - something that helped me connect with their pain and offer comfort with sincerity.
That experience taught me an invaluable lesson: visiting people in their times of illness is not just about fulfilling a duty. It is about establishing a connection that becomes meaningful in their final days and a source of comfort for their loved ones when they are gone. The family appreciated hearing that I had spent time with their father, reflecting with him and sharing moments of thoughtfulness. It reassured them that he had not been alone and that his final days were filled with warmth and companionship.
Lessons Learned from Ministering to the Grieving
Looking back, that moment became a defining experience in my journey of supporting grieving families. One particular experience that reinforced this lesson was when I visited a family who had lost their son. By being present, listening to their stories, and offering practical support, I witnessed how small gestures of kindness helped them find comfort and healing. I learned that helping those in grief is not about having the perfect words but about being present. It is about standing with them in their sorrow, offering a listening ear, and reminding them that they are not alone.
Since that day, I have walked alongside many families in their moments of grief. Each situation is different, but some fundamental principles remain the same:
1. Be Present. Sometimes, the greatest comfort comes not from words but from simply being there. A grieving family does not need a lecture; they need someone to stand with them in their sorrow. Your presence speaks volumes, even when words fail.
2. Listen More Than You Speak. Grief is deeply personal, and people process it in different ways. Some need to talk, some need silence, and others just need to know they are not alone. As a friend, colleague, or family member, listening is one of the most powerful ways to provide support.
3. Offer Comfort in Practical Ways. Grieving families often face overwhelming responsibilities. Helping with small tasks - arranging chairs, organizing meals, or simply sitting with them - can mean more than words. Acts of service reflect care and support in tangible ways.
4. Respect Personal Space and Cultural Beliefs. Different families and individuals grieve in different ways. Some may find comfort in discussing memories of their loved one, while others may prefer quiet reflection. Be sensitive to their needs and respect their way of mourning.
5. Provide Long-Term Support. Grief does not end with the funeral. In many cases, the hardest days come afterward when the visitors leave, and the reality of loss fully sets in. Check on grieving families in the weeks and months following their loss, offering words of encouragement and practical help when needed.
Understanding the Stages of Grief
To effectively support someone in mourning, it is helpful to understand the different stages of grief. I recall ministering to a family who had just lost their young son. Recognizing the stages of grief allowed me to be patient with their anger and denial and to gently guide them toward acceptance over time. This experience reinforced the importance of being present and empathetic during such difficult moments.
Although every individual grieves differently, the five stages of grief as identified by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross provide a general framework:
1. Denial: The initial shock can make it hard to accept the loss. The person may feel numb or in disbelief, struggling to process what has happened.
2. Anger: Grief often brings frustration and questions of "Why did this happen?" Some individuals may direct their anger toward themselves, others, or even the circumstances surrounding the loss.
3. Bargaining: The grieving person may dwell on "if only" statements, wondering if something could have been done differently to change the outcome.
4. Depression: As reality sets in, deep sadness can follow. The person may withdraw from others, feeling overwhelmed by their loss.
5. Acceptance: Over time, while the pain does not disappear, the grieving person begins to adjust to life without their loved one.
It is important to remember that these stages are not linear. A person may move back and forth between them, experiencing a mix of emotions at different times. Patience and understanding are crucial when supporting someone through their grief journey.
Honoring the Memory of Loved Ones
One meaningful way to help a grieving family is to honor the memory of their loved one. Reminiscing about happy times with the deceased can bring comfort. This can serve as a heartfelt way to celebrate the person’s life. Donating to a cause that was important to the deceased or volunteering in their honor can also create a lasting legacy.
Grieving can be an isolating experience, but it doesn’t have to be. A strong community that offers support and understanding can make a tremendous difference in the healing process. Churches, support groups, and counseling services can provide additional resources for those who are struggling with loss.
Conclusion
Supporting those who are grieving is one of the most compassionate things we can do as a community. Grief is not something that can be "fixed" - it is a process that each person experiences in their own way and time. The most valuable support comes through presence, patience, and practical acts of kindness.
