Imlibenla Mongro
Clinical Psychologist, CIHSR, Dimapur
All children who have a brother or sister will probably experience sibling rivalry at one point of time. Sibling rivalry is a natural, normal phenomenon.It can take different forms and can have any number of different causes.In sibling rivalry the older child is usually in competition with and jealous of the younger sibling.Sibling rivalry usually manifests strongly during childhood especially with the birth of a new born baby. The following are some of the complaints parents bring about their children when there is sibling rivalry:
• They are always fighting
• She always hits her younger sister
• He hates sharing his toys with his younger sister/brother
• He complains that we don’t love him anymore
• She suddenly wants to sleep between me and her father these days.
• He cries so easily these days when we scold him.
• She says she hates her younger brother
Many times sibling rivalry comes and goes on its own as time passes by. However, it may leave the family with a lot of chaos in its wake with the older sibling having a lot of emotional and psychological issues that are gone unnoticed. On the outside it may look like the child is just being “troublesome” “naughty” “rebellious” “going through a phase” etc. This can greatly impact the child’s academics, relationships with parents and the younger sibling, relationships with others, etc.
It is generally thought that first born kids have the most difficult time adjusting to a new sibling be it biological or adopted. For his or her entire life, he or she never had to share their parents or their things with anyone. It is understandable that there would be difficulty in adjusting at first.
Some behaviours to expect from your child if he or she is having sibling rivalry:
1. Jealousy- Older kids feeling jealous about the time and attention the new sibling is receiving from the parents and other people.
2. Withdrawal- They may become quieter, moody, moping around and refusing to go out and play with their new brother or sister.
3. Regression- Behaviours that the child has outgrown may come back again such as, thumb sucking, bedwetting, wanting to drink from a feeding bottle etc.
4. Hostility- Showing anger or being aggressive to the younger sibling. This can sometimes be seen very subtly like, acting very loving and hugging the younger sibling way too hard that it hurts.
5. Attention seeking- Kids may resort to all kinds of behaviours in order to get their parents’ attention. Even getting more scolding is taken as a form of attention, hence children may do difficult behaviours even more in spite of parents scolding or disciplining them.
Sibling rivalry to some extent is normal and most of the time it passes by on its own. But parents can do much more to avoid this problem.
• Tell your children about the pregnancy when it starts to show and especially when your child starts asking about the growing belly.
• Tell your kid about your plans to adopt if you have any.
• Tell your children what to expect, who will be taking care of them when the mother is in the hospital, how busy they will be for a while caring for the new baby but that it does not mean they are loved less.
• Include your child in what is going on like, getting the crib ready, take the kid to the hospital during checkups, etc.
• Encourage older kids to help with the baby with the new role of the big sister or big brother like fetching the diapers, or bottles etc.
• Do not ask older kids if they want a new brother or sister as they have no choice in the matter.
• Do not tell your kid that the new baby will be a playmate for them because they wont be able to play for some years until the baby is old enough to play.
• Do not ignore unacceptable behaviour. Identify and deal with it immediately.
This is not an exhaustive list. If you have more problems and find it difficult to deal with your kid, it is perfectly alright to ask for help. Please consult professionals with experience in handling children’s mental health and behaviour.
Imlibenla Mongro is a RCI Clinical psychologist, working with people of all age groups and families with mental health issues. She is based in Referral Hospital (CIHSR) Dimapur.
For any query write to clinpsymongro@gmail.com
